SAVAN TO ST. CROIX: The ‘Greatest’ Bio-Pic Money Can Buy (And You’re Paying for It)
AUTEURS OF THE ABSURD: While the territory’s healthcare sits in intensive care and the Pharmacy Board plays gatekeeper to lower costs, Governor Albert Bryan Jr. (left) reportedly seeks "philosophical alignment" for a taxpayer-funded biopic. Bryan is seen here competing with Hungary’s Viktor Orbán (right) for the "Lame Duck Special"—an award given to leaders who prioritize their own "Greatest Hits" reel over the public’s reality. (St. Croix Sun art by Nano Banana)
By JOHN McCARTHY / St. Croix Sun Staff Writer
DATELINE: KINGSHILL — Move over, Viktor Orbán. There’s a new "Lame Duck" auteur in town, and he’s trading the Hungarian parliament for the Government House lawn.
Sources close to the production—tentatively titled All About Al: The Ninth Wonder of the World—claim the screenplay is a masterpiece of selective memory. While Governor Albert Bryan Jr. insists he’s just "telling our stories" for the children of the territory, the script seems to have a few gaping, Epstein-sized plot holes.
The ‘Philosophical’ Director's Cut
The casting department is reportedly struggling to find an actress for the role of Denise George. Apparently, the script requires the character to be fired the moment she starts doing her job too well. The scene where Bryan reportedly texts, "You need to make a decision on the Epstein matter," has been replaced in the screenplay with a stirring montage of the Governor picking out a chain of office that doesn't feature Africa.
Key Scenes Included in the "Bryan-Vision" Cut:
The "Blindsided" Performance: A dramatic re-enactment of the December 2022 firing of the Attorney General, where the Governor expresses shock that an AG would actually sue a global bank for facilitating sex trafficking without asking him for permission first.
The "Total Release" Dance: A celebratory sequence where Acting AG Carol Thomas-Jacobs signs a "total release" for billionaire Leon Black and is immediately rewarded with a lifetime judgeship. (Subtitles will explain this as "Philosophical Alignment.")
The Cyril E. King Comparison: A dream sequence where Bryan gazes into a mirror and sees the face of Cyril E. King staring back—a consensus of one.
Taxpayer-Funded Ego
While the territory grapples with a healthcare system under siege and pharmacies that can't get a callback from the review board, the Governor is holding firm on the need for this "historical record."
Why use the $80 million settlement money (which George says he wanted lower) for the GERS or the hospitals when you can spend it on a feature-length documentary to remind everyone that a boy from Savan can grow up to be the most "misunderstood" leader in V.I. history?
EDITORIAL NOTE: If Elon Musk were running this production, he’d have fired the entire Department of Justice by tweet and replaced them with an AI that only says "Yes, Mr. Governor." Perhaps the Governor should look into X-credits for the film; at least then the taxpayers wouldn't be the ones picking up the tab for his "Greatest Hits" reel.
